The letter should read...
To my dearest friends and neighbors of mine,
My name is Connie Abels and I am the queen of the cheap, re-habbed condo conversions in the 49th Ward. I also own 7015 North Sheridan Road. This property at 7015 North Sheridan Road is a single family home I let go to hell. I let it fall apart. I never bothered fixing it up and now it has deteriorated to trailer trash status.
I neglected this single family home so bad and for so long, now I'm going to tear it down.
But my close friends and good neighbors, have I got great news for you! I got a super idea one night after watching a wicky loud band play at the Morseland Night Club. I saw people who were foolish enough to pay $5 and 10 dollars just to get in the door and eat (hee-hee). I said right then, that's the business for me.
I'm going to open up this roof-top restaurant (hee-hee) 79 feet high in the air. I figured I could get into the liquor selling business too. The word on the street is, selling booze is like printing money. Plus, real estate is on the down-slide. The bubble is nearly bursting and I need to find a new career, pronto fast.
Plus, plus, being a smart business woman, I picked this location because it's no where near the Special Service Area #24 tax boundaries. Who wants to get screwed paying into that boon-doggle tax? Not me. Besides, did you see the way they treated me at the Morse Avenue Streetscape meeting in Novermber 2005. Those ace Morse Avenue Streetscape committee members couldn't even get me #@$-%#@# planters. Pardon my french.
Plus, plus, plus, I'm such a great neighbor and am doing this all for you. I am building 30 parking spots too. Parking spots are so hard find and I want to help my neighbors out by renting 26 of them to you. Market value of course. I haven't worked out the details yet, but 26 spots is good to rent, right? Let's see, if my math is right, that leaves 4 parking spots for my cookie cutter condo buyers and 26 to rent out to John Q. Public. That's 30 parking spots. Who needs parking for all my restaurant (hee-hee) workers and patrons. What am I going to do about the ground-floor commercial tenants? They can find spots on Sheridan Road. That's if they don't get rear-ended finding a spot on Sheridan Road (hee-hee). Traffic gets heavy sometimes in the morning hours and sometimes in the evening hours for some reason.
Please, please, please, please, come with an open mind. Don't believe everything you read on the Hell Hole. I see a silver lining in this property I let go to the toilet and I will show you all the plans on Wednesday night.
So, here's the deal, take it or leave it. I'm asking for a R3-5 because knowing the zoning rules. I can about get away with anything I want after I get that zoning R3-5.
Then I can say...."Screw you neighbors, I'm doing what I want!"